#idk i just don’t know why people are proud of devoting so much energy to being negative towards something that isn’t that pressing

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2020 in writing

tagged by the wonderful @feeisamarshmallow and @b99peraltiago! thank you, this took me seriously three hours but it was fun. 

tagging whoever has three hours to spare!! but i’d love to see @amydancepants-peralta, @letsperaltiago, @johnny-and-dora, and @fezzle do this, although no pressure because this took me the entire evening. 

1. List of works published this year

oh god this is going to take forever...

i’ll walk through hell with you, chapter 5, 6 & 7

all the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

a single kiss and i’m under your spell

paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

dust off your highest hopes

i can’t see the future, but i know that it’s there

look now, the sky is gold

look at where we are, look at where we started

bracing for the winds i always summon

just know that i’m already home

there’s magic everywhere you go

we’ve found a love to cross the ages

all my days, i’ll know your face

hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

(three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life

if devotion is a river, then i’m floating away

when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)

evermore

i am not a stranger to the dark

in the cracks of light, i dreamed of you

rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky

21 works!! 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why)

I am really really proud of finishing i’ll walk through hell with you, that’s still one of the highlights in my writing “career”. bracing for the winds i always summon and (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, because they were both longer works with a lot of introspection that focused a lot on jake and amy’s feelings about upcoming parenthood. especially the last one I still love dearly. i’m also really proud of the fics i wrote all from rosa’s perspective (paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans and when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)).

3. Work you are least proud of (and why)

none! I guess a few of them are shorter and written way quicker than some others, but I always take that into consideration when “evaluating” how proud I am of them so no. personally, I’m proud of everything in different ways. 

4. A favourite except of your writing

referring to the creator tag meme for this where I posted excerpts from the five works I’m most proud of!

5. Share or describe a favourite review you received

questions like these remind me that I need to start saving my favorite reviews somewhere! that’s a goal for 2021, haha. but every comment that have listed their favorite moments in the fic I reread like five times over and smile every time, and all the comments people left me on the last chapter of i’ll walk through hell with you were so wonderful. and the rosa fic. and the -

you know what, I just started reading through old comments and I can’t pick one, it feels too unfair to all the other incredible ones I ’ve gotten. so. all of them!!!! I love you guys!!

I will mention this one that someone sent me in the middle of summer, during a period when I wasn’t writing or publishing so it ended up meaning that much more for that reason as well. comment on look at where we are, look at where we started (in the brief period of time when we thought peraltiago baby would be named Leo)

“Idk why, but the way Jake was talking to Leo made me wonder if my parents ever talked to me like that right after I was born. I've been told the story of my birth every birthday since I was born, so I know it by heart, but despite the countless Peraltiago baby fics and other fandom baby fics I've read, this is the one that made me wonder what my parents were thinking when I was born. And then it made me wonder what I'm gonna think when I give birth to a kid, or if I adopt a kid.” like, I was just so floored that something I wrote made someone reflect so deeply on their own life. and I want to underline that I have so so many favourite reviews but yes, this one stuck with me!

6. A time when writing was really, really hard

this summer was the hardest it’s ever been. first the (rightful) hesitance and reflection that followed the BLM protests and then some trauma and deep depression added onto that for me was… yeah. it took a really long time to find real joy in it again. 

7. A scene of characters you wrote that surprised you

Jake and Rosa’s friendship in i am not a stranger to the dark! I’ve written a bit of Rosa and Amy and feel quite comfortable with their friendship and dynamic but far less of Jake and Rosa! 

“At least this is still way better than... that.” “Literally everything is better than prison.” “True that.” Rosa looks up at the tv, realizing she’s missed at least ten minutes of the movie already. “I’m glad we got out.” “Sometimes it still feels like a part of me didn't,” Jake says, quietly. “You ever feel that way?” “Sometimes,” she admits. “We did, though. That's what's important.”

Rosa can hear someone talking in the background on the other end, and Jake mumbling something back in reply. “I have to go,” he tells her, and it makes her a little sad, because he's good company. “I can't miss dinner. Wouldn't want to piss off the entirety of my fiancées family before I’ve even married her, right?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year?

I wrote more Rosa! that’s probably the single thing which helped me grow most, because she’s arguably a much harder character to write than Jake and Amy, since most of the time you really have no clue what she’s thinking. I have to think a lot harder about how Rosa thinks and feels and reacts to things and I feel like that makes me a better writer overall. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year?

I don’t have any big expectations tbh. I know next year is going to take so much of my energy “”professionally”” or well, study-wise, so I think it’s the wrong year to set ambitious creative writing goals for me. then there’s also the inevitable fact that I’ve written a whopping ninety-nine stories for this show now and I’m always asking myself for how long it will last. there was a point in april-may where I thought it was going to be the end and during the entire summer as well. so… we’ll see. I don’t have any WIP I’m aching to finish right now. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta of cheerleader or muse etc. etc.)?

@fezzle, @johnny-and-dora, @vernonfielding, @amydancepants-peralta, @feeisamarshmallow, @amazingsantiago and @letsperaltiago all deserve their own shoutouts here for various reasons!! (if you want to know more about why just message me!) 

11. Anything from real life show up in your writing this year?

always, in different ways in how I relate to the characters and different feelings and moments and experiences that would take way too long to explain. but if I could choose one fic it would be paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans. I worked through a lot of feelings about a breakup I went through in this one and they were ones I hadn’t really had the chance to let myself feel before writing this. It isn’t similar to how my breakup went, at least I didn’t mean for it to be and haven’t put any intentional similarities in there (although I guess there are a few if you look for them) but some of the things Rosa thinks, says and feels after being broken up with were quite personal. i am not a stranger to the dark and the way it focuses on healing after trauma was also partly personal although way much less obviously so because the experiences are quite different lol.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

make writer friends! talk to other writers! you’ll both learn so much and it makes writing and developing fics so much more fun!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I currently have zero WIP and zero real plans so genuinely who knows. all depends on what my life will look like and what s8 will bring us! 

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year

all the favourite five, but maybe when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet). I think it’s a great complement to the Rosa and Amy action we saw in season 7 and it has a lot of peraltiago from someone else’s viewpoint as well. 

15. Year word count

are you kidding meeeee okay here we go.

okay, so adding everything I’ve published this year together… 111 283 words.

😳 😳 😳 

DEAR GOD.

additional trivia: the shortest fic was 651 words (evermore), the longest if you exclude the three chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you (they are 24.6k together though) (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, and the average word count for a fic of mine this year was 5 299 or 4 838 words, depending on whether you count the chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you as one or three works. that makes sense because i feel like i’ve written a loot of fics around that length this year! 

[fbdo1986]

What are your Succession sibling headcanons for when they were growing up?

omg!!! gd i have. WAY too many feelings about this actually. hm im not sure quite how to group these but i have a few about them in school and then other random ones! i’m gonna keep this quite lighthearted if i can even though sometimes its hard to given what actually happens in succession. i think i’ll group this by character!

shiv: i think miss siobhan had mixed feelings about school growing up. something tells me that she’d be really dedicated one week and then have a “screw it” attitude the next. i also think she tried really hard (similar to connor) to get good grades and even tried to become student body president (and failed unfortunately) to impress logan but it never did anything for him. i think shiv tried really hard to be tough growing up, only really softening when someone made her put her guard down. (i think connor was the figure who did this the most, and he did the same thing for kendall when it was just the two of them and then baby shiv growing up). i also think shiv was the type to sneak out when she was a teenager and wouldn’t get caught. well, she Would get caught by her brothers but she’d have to bargain with roman to keep a secret for her. (Yes i have a headcanon that connor and kendall shared a room and roman and shiv had rooms neighboring each other so. whatever happens could be heard by all of the siblings, so roman ALWAYS heard when shiv would sneak back in and would immediately confront her about it. kendall always left well enough alone and tried to sleep through it tbh because he knew connor would handle it. sweet boy kenny has been through enough). 

connor: man, if you’ve read my fic about kendall and connor’s dynamic growing up you know how idealized my one version of connor is in my head. (also you should read that i have a few hcs that pop up in that). so these hcs will kinda be a mix of how i see him growing up in canon/my more “connor is normal” idealized version of him. (granted, it CANNOT be denied that even in canon connor is a really devoted and protective brother. this is fact). i think that connor was kinda isolated socially growing up. i think in school he always tried to impress people to make friends, but it kinda always fell flat. i think this is a good explanation as to why he kinda becomes kendall’s confidant/protector growing up and why they had such a strong bond, because he didn’t really feel like he connected with anyone else/really felt like he belonged anywhere without putting on an act. being the eldest i think even before kendall was born connor just wanted to make logan proud so he tried really hard in school, but it wasn’t really worth the effort ultimately. i do think he was really smart anyway so he kept performing well despite knowing it didn’t mean all that much. i think i’ve also decided that out of all the roy siblings that connor was the most athletic and played a lot of baseball growing up! i think he played some tennis too but ultimately kendall got MUCH better at it than he was. 

kendall: i think this is a good time to bring up stewy! i don’t actually know if they were friends before college but. kendall and stewy give me childhood best friend energy. i think kendall was a really quiet and sensitive kid, and i feel like he had a tendency to get lost in a lot of friendships because he could never tell if the bonds were genuine or not. i think he kinda skated along, making himself take the brunt of a joke if necessary. but then he met stewy! and it finally felt like kendall could actually be himself around someone and not try to make himself any smaller. as far as ken’s childhood goes i think he inherited connor’s protectiveness and kinda kept a pact with him that he would take care of and look after shiv and roman while they were growing up. so i think (especially with roman) he was really close with them as a kid, and his more lighthearted banter and interactions with roman that we see as adults comes from that! i think they had a lot of friendly competition between them (whereas shiv and roman’s competition was REAL) and even roman being younger than him because of how sensitive kendall seemed to be, sometimes this translated to roman letting kendall beat him in things that he could beat ken at if he wanted to. also! i think kendall drew a lot as a kid! he kinda grew out of the habit as he got older unfortunately. 

roman: honestly, i think out of all the siblings, roman had the easiest time socially. i think he has this innate sense of confidence that drew people to him, so i think he always kinda got used to a few people around him at once. that being said, kinda like ken, he did sometimes feel a bit disconnected from the connections he had. i think roman was the closest to shiv and ken growing up (i think roman and shiv have such an uncanny twin-like tendency to annoy one another and squabble), but i think he rarely felt like he was able to connect with them emotionally (not any fault of theirs, though, he’s a lot more guarded like shiv is) and didn’t really have an emotional outlet like the one connor gave kendall or the one he later provides for shiv. but i kinda think he’s always kinda struggled with letting people in fully, so i think roman had a tendency to have superficial romantic relationships as a teenager and would also get kinda spooked if his partner didn’t really warn him before they started confiding in him. that being said, i think he would occasionally lean on his friends for emotional support, way before he would ever confide in his siblings. 

bonus: because these always get to me here’s some nicknames i think the kids had for each other growing up. i ABSOLUTELY think kendall called connor connie when he was little because he couldn’t say connor, and it’s something that shiv did too that they all occasionally use for fondness’s sake. (i mean, all of these are for fondness sake, they’re all adults who can Definitely pronounce each others names, but hey, it’s sweet)! but it IS used less common than just calling him con, so i think it’s definitely (esp for kendall) pulled out during heartfelt moments between the two. the same thing is why the countless nicknames for roman exist (ro, roro, romey), but i think bc kendall and connor are more sentimental its why they’re more likely to call him that as adults and kept it up well into childhood. i think because connor is sappy he called shiv shivy and pinky when she was growing up even when he was a teenager because he felt like it suited her and thought it was cute! idk, i think it made sense to call a baby overly cutesy nicknames. (but YES i think pinky originated from connor and not from logan and it was something logan kept with when connor went away to school so shiv only really remembers it as something her dad did... but no! fuck logan! sibling rights <3) 

[animakupo]

Unwavering (Ignis x Reader)

for the anony who requested iggy angst!!! with the following prompts:

#2: “Not you again”

#3: “Why do you hate me?”

#34: “I don’t deserve to be loved”

actually nonnie just said i could choose from either of the three but lol i am a Greedy Bitch™ who wants Validation from online strangers so i integrated all of the prompts (((they all worked out for the piece anyway hehehe)))

i worked on this nonstop bc idk i wanna make y’all happy with requests!! ironic bc this has some angst but uh.... i’m a sucker for happy endings so don’t worry everyone is happy in the end yay!!!!!!

(((thank you also to everyone who has sent love for The Way to a Man’s Heart like wow??? i thought it was shitty but a lot of y’all seemed to like it so thank u very much for being such darling angels mwah))))

here’s a more developed piece because i wanted to explore some character growth for iggy and his devotion to the throne whoop

word count: 5.8k+, unrequited feelings bc i LIVE FOR THIS SHIT, angst maybe, spoilers for ffxv

Ignis Scientia was a man known for many things. To those who frequented the Citadel, he was known as the young retainer of Prince Noctis. To some of the staff serving the royal family, Ignis was known for having a magic touch when it came to the kitchen. To his peers, the young man was regarded as hardworking, refined, and immaculately patient.

He had to be, if he was dealing with the stubborn prince, after all.

But, if there was one thing Ignis Scientia wasn’t known for, it was for losing his composed front in public. You, however, were an exception.

As a relative of Prince Noctis, you were a frequent — though not necessarily unwelcome — presence at the Citadel. Every summer, without fail, you would pay a visit to your “Uncle Reggie” — who would always welcome you with “the best hug in all of Eos” — and play with your cousin Noctis.

Though not much for socializing, Noctis — for the most part, at least — often looked forward to your visits, if only because you could get him out of his tutoring sessions and other princely obligations. “I have to go entertain the princess,” he would say whenever you arrived. “Duty calls.”

Having Noctis avoid his lectures was a headache enough for Ignis on any normal day, but with you in the picture? It was nothing short of a nightmare for the young Scientia.

You were hard-headed (more so than Noct, which was a feat in itself), obnoxiously loud, and awfully careless in a palace such as the Citadel. Noctis would argue that you “lit up the place” with your endless supply of energy, but if Ignis were to be frank, he thought you were a bit too much for him.

Though you had no bearing on the throne, you were still royalty under the Lucis Caelum line. Thus, as a member of House Scientia, Ignis was bound to you regardless of how often you got on his nerves.

Which was pretty often, and you weren’t even at the Citadel for the entirety of the year.

“Hi, Iggy!” you chirped at him during one of your summer stay-ins at the Citadel. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Not you again,” Ignis muttered under his breath. Time and time again, he couldn’t fathom what it was about you that grated on his nerves. Was it the lack of control in the volume of your voice whenever you called at him? Was it how reckless you ran around the Citadel, thus posing as a threat to the many valuables that decorated the palace? Or was it simply because Ignis had merely accepted Noctis as his sole responsibility, and so the added weight of you in the picture only placed more pressure over his delicate shoulders?

Whatever it was, Ignis had to remind himself to retain his cool composure, lest you throw a tantrum and cause an even bigger ruckus at the Citadel.

“What was that?”

Ignis cleared his throat. “Nothing.” Adjusting his glasses, he regarded you coolly with a nod. “How may I help you, Princess?”

You beamed, thoroughly basking in the royal retainer’s attention. “Sleepy Boy’s taking his royal nap, and I’m bored! Wanna play with me?”

“I’m sorry, Princess, but I’ll have to decline,” Ignis replied. “I have other things I must attend to.”

“But-“

“You can wait for Prince Noctis in the gardens, if you’d like. I hear the lavenders are blooming this time of the year.”

“Ig-“

“I’ll see you at supper. Good day.”

With his back turned to you, Ignis had failed to notice the tears welling up in your eyes that day.

*

Despite the fact that Ignis was only a year older than you, his poise and elegance made you feel like you were always lightyears behind him. It was due to this that you looked up to him a lot — a confession you had confided in Noctis many times during your yearly visits.

“How does Iggy do it, Noct?” you had asked after the festivities for your 10th birthday had wrapped up. You had opted to celebrate the day with your favorite people (“Sleepy Boy and Iggy! Oh, and you too, Uncle Reggie!”), and in the aftermath of the festivities, you and the prince were sprawled on his bed, too worn out to even bother getting changed into sleepwear.

Glancing at you from his handheld gaming device, Noctis asked, “Do what?”

“Do everything!” you cried, flopping down next to your best friend. “He’s only one year ahead of me, but he seems so much more…”

“Ancient?”

“No!” You whacked Noctis on the head, earning you a snort from the prince. “More mature! Iggy is so mature! I wanna be like him someday.”

“I dunno (Name), being Iggy doesn’t seem like a lot of fun.”

You frowned, brows furrowing at Noctis’ comment. “Why not?”

“He’s always doing stuff that the adults do. All the boring things.”

“Isn’t he allowed to hang out with us and take a break?”

“He is,” Noctis insisted. “But he’s always acted more like mom to me than anything. I’ve never really seen him slack off. Not even once.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

*

The next year, you made it a point to visit Noctis much earlier than your usual scheduled arrival in the summer. You had wanted to surprise Ignis on his birthday, and that was exactly what you did when you showed up at the Citadel several months earlier than expected.

“Hi, Iggy!” You wrapped your arms around him in greeting, ignoring how stiff he was at your embrace. “Happy birthday!”

“What are you doing here?” was all that came out of his mouth, but you were more focused on commemorating his birthday than dwelling on his lackluster response.

“I’m here to celebrate your birthday!” you replied happily, shoving a small box into his hands. “Sorry it’s only store-bought, but all the other cakes I tried to bake kinda… deflated, heh.”

Ignis offered a short bow. “I appreciate the sentiment, Princess, but I have a meeting to attend to.” He handed the box back into your grasp almost apologetically. “You can share that with Noct. I’m sure he will enjoy it immensely.” Turning on his heels, he nodded at you before offering a few more words. “I hope you enjoy your stay.”

And with that, he left you there, standing dumbfounded with a box of cake in your hands and a hurt heart in your chest.

*

When it was time for you to enter high school, you became a permanent fixture at the Citadel. At this age, Ignis had already grown accustomed to your rambunctious personality, though that wasn’t to say he particularly sought out your company on his own accord. He liked to think that he simply tolerated your presence.

You always wished he liked you more, though, especially with your growing feelings for him.

“No fair, Noct!” you whined. “Now that I get to stay here at the Citadel, you’re gonna go and leave me to find a place of your own?”

The prince rolled his eyes at your antics. “I’ve been stuck here all my life, (Name). Don’t you think it’s about time that I at least get some time away from home?” You pouted at him, which only caused Noctis to chuckle. “Don’t dwell on it too much. We still have a year together before I’m off to high school anyway.”

You sighed dramatically. “At least I’ll have Iggy all to myself while you’re gone.”

“Well,” he drawled, “not exactly.”

Your groan sounded more exaggerated than the norm. “He’s gonna trail after you even when you’re away?” you complained, crossing your arms in frustration. “How am I going to get to use my womanly charms on him now?”

Noctis blanched. “Hey, it’s not like I asked him to dote on me. And since when have you been a woman?”

“Since puberty, you dweeb!” You made a motion to smack him on the head, but after years of training, the prince’s reflexes were much quicker now. You made no comment on his fast movements, but you were definitely impressed — and a little proud — by how much Noctis had grown over the years.

“Really?” As proud as you were of Noctis, you had to admit that the smirk on his face was still a little annoying. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“Loser.”

“Brat.”

“Says the Sleepy Boy who gets cranky whenever he misses his nap.”

“I’ll have you know that we all need sleep to function properly.”

“Not in excess like you do, Sleepy Boy.”

And thus commenced a wrestling match between you and Noctis, your bitterness over his impending absence — and the lack of Ignis’ company, no less — long forgotten at the back of your mind.

*

High school was not what you thought it would be.

As a member of the royal family — never mind the fact that you weren’t even interested in inheriting the throne, nor were you even technically eligible to take over after King Regis, especially with Noctis having been groomed as the heir since his youth — many of your schoolmates flocked to you without any regard for your personal space.

Ignis had presumed you would have thrived in the spotlight, as revelling in people’s attention was something he had seen you enjoy during your many summers at the Citadel. It thus came as a surprise when, on what he was told was your first day in high school, you came knocking at his apartment door, looking rattled and frightened.

“Hi, Iggy,” you greeted shakily, your eyes lacking the usual mirth Ignis had always seen you carry. It was rather unnerving, having you suddenly show up at his doorstep looking all sullen and downcast. “Sorry for coming here unannounced. I didn’t know where to go, a-and…”

Your voice began to crack. Ignis was alarmed by the sudden manifestation of tears in your eyes; in all his years of watching over both you and Noctis, he had never been privy to your teardrops, so this was a sight that clenched at his heart rather unexpectedly.

“Please, come in.” He ushered you into his home, gingerly leading you to sit on the nearby sofa. “Tea?” he offered quietly, being careful not to aggravate your already bleak mood.

You shook your head. “No thanks. Can… can you just… stay here for a bit? With me?”

With the way you were looking at him so pleadingly — desperately — Ignis knew he wouldn’t be able to decline your request even if he wanted to.

What Ignis found rather odd, however, was that he didn’t want to deny you of your wish.

It had been a good while since the Royal Adviser last saw you. While he still wasn’t particularly fond of you, per se, his patience at least grew the older he became, and with it came a more formidable tolerance for your presence. He had a duty to the Lucis Caelum line — and in effect, to you — and he would stick to this commitment to the end of the line.

Today, though… today was decidedly different. For the very first time, he was seeing you not as a member of the royal family, but simply as you were: a young, vulnerable girl seeking comfort in his familiarity.

The two of you stayed there for the remainder of the evening. Not talking. Not touching. But you were together, and that was all you needed.

*

Ignis later found out from Noctis that your… episode on your first day of high school revealed your intolerance for crowds, especially with the likes of fanatic, hormonal teenagers — who wanted nothing but to rub elbows with royalty — swarming you left and right.

You had kept to yourself for the remainder of your high school life, but ever since that unforeseen visit to Ignis’, you noticed a drop in students harassing you on campus.

You liked to think that a certain Royal Adviser had something to do with the shift in treatment from your schoolmates.

Ignis never said anything about it. He deemed it unnecessary that you be aware of his involvement with campus officials and the warning words he had uttered regarding your safety and well-being.

You were his responsibility, after all.

*

A few days before Noctis was set to leave for Altissia, you decided to throw a party in celebration of not just his engagement, but your new assignment in Accordo as well. The small get-together — which consisted of you, Noctis, Ignis, Gladio, and Prompto — was mostly for your own enjoyment. You were being sent off to Altissia ahead of Noctis’ departure, so it would be a while before you would get to see your favorite people again.

“I don’t understand why you can’t just wait a while and come with us, (Name),” Prompto commented with a pout. “We’re all going the same direction anyway.”

You shrugged. “As they say: duty calls.” Taking a swig of your drink, you gestured for Gladio to pour more wine into your glass. “Besides, we’ll see each other soon enough. Don’t worry about it.”

“I think you should slow down on the drinks, (Name).” Noctis attempted to swipe your wine glass from your grasp, but just like the prince, your own reflexes had also improved over time. “Don’t want you hungover on the trip to Accordo tomorrow.”

“I’ll be fiiine,” you sang, leaning onto Gladio for support. “Live a little, Noct-Noct!”

“Prince Charmless is right,” Gladio said as he attempted to steady your swaying form. “Drink too much and you might fall asleep waiting for your boat.”

You scoffed. “If anyone’s falling asleep, it’ll be Sleepy Boy over here.” You poked Noctis on the nose, causing him to scrunch up his face almost reflexively. “You better not fall asleep before your wedding, Noct. Can’t keep sweet ol’ Luna waiting too long. She’ll be expecting a proper prince waiting for her at the altar!”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“We don’t have enough time for that,” Ignis deadpanned, causing the rest of your party to erupt in laughter.

As the night dwindled, your group fell into a comfortable silence. Noctis was already dozing off, while Gladio and Prompto were in their little corner, with the former teaching the blond a few “tricks” up his sleeve on how to “charm the women.”

That left you with Ignis.

“Hey, Iggy,” you called softly. “Could I talk to you for a minute? In private?”

Ignis was in the middle of taking Noctis’ glass from him — as his charge was bound to lose his grip on the drink, what with him going in and out of slumber — when you asked for him. “Certainly,” he said, and the two of you wandered off a little ways away from your friends.

“Can you believe it?” Your words broke the quiet between you and Ignis, the moon and stars serving as your spotlight. “Who would have thought that our Noct would go and get himself hitched? And to the Oracle, at that! I never even dreamed that he would be the first of us to get engaged, let alone start his way towards married life.”

“Indeed.” Ignis adjusted his glasses, a habit of his you had grown fond of over the years. “Granted, the engagement was brought on by the treaty, but regardless, it’s certainly enough reason to celebrate.”

You nodded in agreement. “Definitely.”

“So what was it you wanted to discuss, Princess?”

You felt yourself grow warm even beyond the effects of the alcohol in your system. Under Ignis’ intense stare, you couldn’t help but fidget a bit. The Royal Adviser had grown all the more refined in the past couple of years, making him even more attractive than he already was to begin with.

Not only did he now tower over you with his height, his jawline became more chiseled, giving him a sharper and much more striking face. You also took notice of how much his shoulders had broadened, providing him with a much more masculine build.

Simply put, Ignis Scientia was a work of art. That’s all there really was to it.

“I…” You gulped nervously. “There was something I wanted to tell you before I left.”

“Yes?”

It was now or never. “I… I love you, Ignis. I’m in love with you.”

You shut your eyes almost immediately, too scared of what Ignis’ reaction would be. Had you kept your eyes open, you would have registered the shock on his face. There were tellings of tenderness around his eyes at your confession, but you remained blissfully unaware as you waited with bated breath for his response.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity too long, Ignis spoke. “This is…”

“… yes…?”

“This is highly improper.”

Your stomach fell at his words, eyes opening in shock. “What… what do you mean?” Already, you could feel the tears threatening to make their appearance, but you willed yourself not to let them escape. Not yet. Not until he explained himself.

“What I mean is that you must dismiss this nonsense at once, Princess.”

“Nonsense?” you croaked, hurt by how savagely Ignis was taking this. “How is this nonsense? I love you, Ignis!”

The sharp glare Ignis had sent you that day would be burned into your mind forever. “No, you don’t. You’re not mature enough to know what you’re talking about, (Name).”

“And you are?” Though your tone was scathing, the stray tears that managed to leak from your eyes betrayed you. “I know you’re smarter than me, Ignis, but I’m not that far behind you in age.”

“What you manage to keep up in age speaks nothing of your wisdom, Princess.” He looked away from you, the deep frown seemingly aging him beyond his years. “You’re not in love with me. You’re drunk.”

“Stop calling me that!” you snapped, rubbing at your eyes furiously. What was going on with Ignis? Your gentle, sweet, patient Iggy? “Don’t tell me what I feel, Ignis! I’m sober enough to know what it is that I feel for you, and it’s love! I love you! Why can’t you accept that?”

“Why can’t you accept rejection when you see it, Princess?”

You fell silent at his remark. The tears were flowing freely now, and you did nothing to conceal them any longer. Defeatedly, with your voice barely over a whisper, you uttered, “Why do you hate me?”

“I don’t-“

“You do,” you asserted tearfully. “You’ve never liked me. Even when we were kids, you’ve always hated me, Iggy.”

“Princess…”

“But me?” You laughed mockingly, the chuckles being drowned by your overpowering sorrow. “I’ve always loved you.”

That was the last Ignis saw of you, for the next time you met, his eyes could comprehend nothing but darkness.

His only regret was having your heartbroken face — from pain that he had been the source of — as his final memory of your time together before everything fell apart.

*

Several things revolved around Ignis’ mind as he processed the loss of his eyesight. What use was he now if he couldn’t even see his prince? Would he ever be able to cope? How was Noctis handling the passing of Lunafreya?

No matter what he thought of, though, you continued to remain at the fore of his mind.

He wondered where you were now. After that night, you had left for Accordo very early in the morning. Ignis had failed to see you off, as did the rest of his companions, Noctis included. It was as if you had made it a point to avoid all of them on the day of your departure.

He couldn’t blame you if you were avoiding him specifically, especially after how badly he had handled your confession.

The silver lining in your prompt expedition to Accordo was the fact that you were safe from the fall of Insomnia. Ignis at least had that to tide his worries over for the time being, though it did nothing to ease the gaping hole in his heart at his actions from your final conversation.

He had attempted to contact you countless times during the duration of his travel to Altissia with Noctis and the rest of their party. In spite of his efforts, you were adamant in rejecting his calls, though this was of no surprise to Ignis. Noctis, Prompto, and even Gladio had tried calling you as well — and they were especially consistent after they caught wind of Niflheim’s betrayal — but they were always redirected to either the dial tone or your voice mail.

You were simply unreachable.

“I pray that you are safe, Princess,” Ignis whispered softly into the air as he wobbled off the edge of his bed. He reached out for his walking stick, feeling the frustration of everything that had occurred become incredibly overwhelming. “There is so much I have left unsaid.”

*

“I told him not to fall asleep before his wedding.” Though your message was said in jest, your watery voice was telling enough of the grief you felt. “But did he listen? Of course he didn’t. That stupid Sleepy Boy.”

“Yeah.” Prompto chuckled sadly, wiping a tear from his eye. “That’s Noct for ya.”

“He’ll be back soon,” Gladio said, though the waver in his confidence was painfully obvious. “Or I’ll bring him here myself.”

You sniffed and turned towards the one who had remained silent during your tearful reunion. “And what about you, Iggy? I swear to the Astrals above, you really spoil Noct too much. Now look where it got you!”

Ignis frowned, expecting a comment or two on his eyesight. Or rather, his lack thereof. You were sure to offer pity for his handicap. In fact, he even expected you to mock him as a means of retaliating over the hurt he had lashed out on you that fateful night. It wasn’t even that long ago when you went your separate ways, and yet, it felt almost as if decades had come and gone since then.

He would have accepted any form of punishment from you, really, so long as it would mean he could obtain your forgiveness once and for all.

But, it seemed some things never did change, including the way you had never failed to render Ignis speechless and catch him off guard. What you said next made his cheeks burn — a sensation he never thought he would ever be able to feel anymore, particularly at this point in time when everything seemed bleak and hopeless.

“Look at what you’ve done to yourself.” Your voice was so sweet and so gentle, it made Ignis want to cry. The delicate graze of your fingers over his damaged face made him shiver in delight. “Not to worry. Scars or no, you’re still a work of art to me, Iggy!” Lowering your voice enough for just the two of you to hear, you murmured, “I’ll always love you no matter what.”

Everyone thought Ignis broke down into a heaping mess in your arms as his way of grieving for Noctis, but what no one knew was that he was crying over the love you still held for him even after all this time.

*

With the lack of communication between the two of you since your disappearance, Ignis had barely held onto any hope of possibly finding you again.

And yet, here you were, safe and sound with the rest of civilization at Lestallum. Not only did you look well — rather, you sounded well to Ignis’ ears, at the very least — you had even welcomed him into your loving embrace.

He knew he was entirely undeserving of your kindness and affection, especially with the memory of how he treated you still haunting him, but he allowed himself this momentary reprieve of selfishness. Just this once, Ignis gave himself this small window of putting his own needs before anyone else’s.

He needed you, and here you were, ready and waiting to catch him at any given moment.

“Shh, Iggy, you’re okay,” you cooed into his ears that night. At that very moment, Ignis knew he could go on — blind or otherwise — so long as he had you to lead him through the darkness.

Had you always sounded this angelic, or was his improved hearing warping his memory of your voice?

Or, could it be that he was hearing you not through brand new ears due to his lack of vision, but through the new development of his endearment towards his princess?

“You’re safe, Iggy, you’re safe,” you repeated like a mantra as you soothed his distress with your presence alone. You combed your fingers through his tresses as he held onto you desperately, not ready to face reality just yet. “We’re here. You’re not alone, Iggy. We’re here. We can do this.”

Ignis knew that you, too, were crying as well. He caught the soft whimpers that were scattered between your warm assurances. Even then, he couldn’t bring himself to be strong enough for the two of you for the time being.

Here, in your arms, he was safe, and he wasn’t ready to let go of the safety you provided just yet.

*

None of you addressed Ignis’ breakdown that night. It was a breakthrough for sure, but if Ignis chose not to bring it up, then neither were any of you going to forcefully pick at the wound he had opted to bury.

With both Noctis and Lunafreya absent, darkness surged into the everyday. Ignis, ironically, was one of the first to adjust into this nightmare of a world. He had lost his vision a little before the darkness took over, after all, so the lack of daylight didn’t make much of a difference to him.

What did make a difference was your constant companionship.

Ignis had yet to formally discuss that dreadful night before your trip to Accordo. He owed you more than an apology at this point, and yet, he kept mum, faltering at each opportunity whenever you greeted him with that sunny disposition of yours.

“How do you do it, Princess?” Ignis had asked one day, nearly a year into this life of darkness.

“Do what, Iggy?”

“How have you kept your light so brilliant all this time?” He readjusted his grip on his walking stick as he felt you settle yourself next to him. “Not even Prompto has managed to remain this bright, and he has always been the most cheerful out of all of us.”

You slipped your hand into one of his gloved ones, giving it a squeeze before explaining, “Well, I gotta be the light for you, Iggy. It’s the least I can do while all of you are out there fighting to protect us.”

“But why me?”

“Why not you?”

“I don’t deserve your compassion, Princess.”

“Of course you do! What you don’t deserve is getting your eyesight taken from you, but you’ve always been the selfless one, so I guess I’ll let that slide.” You released his hand in order to caress his face. “You best believe Noct’s gonna get a whipping from me when I see him! He owes you big time.”

“He owes me nothing. I live in his servitude.”

“Well, I guess that’s always been the case, but still-“

“However, I do owe you an apology.”

“Huh?” Your light touches on his face halted. “An apology for what?”

“An apology for how I treated you that night before you left for Accordo,” Ignis explained, a hint of regret lining his words. “I handled the situation inappropriately, and I hurt you in the process.” He blindly reached out for your hands, and you met him halfway, offering your grasp in his shaky one. “For that, I beg for your forgiveness.”

“Iggy, it’s okay. I… I got over it a long time ago. I shouldn’t have sprung something so big on you before I left anyway.”

“Regardless, I am deeply remorseful for how I treated you that night, (Name). You did not deserve to have your feelings regarded so poorly, least of all by someone such as myself.”

Much like that night, silence enveloped the two of you for a few agonizing moments. Ignis sat there, waiting patiently for what you had to say. Eventually, you let out a sigh, leaning a little into his side.

“Can I ask you something then, Iggy?”

“Go ahead, Princess.”

“You… did you ever really…” You were struggling to find the right words. Ignis gave you the push you needed by wrapping his arm around you. “I always felt like you hated me, Iggy. Did you?”

His answer was instantaneous. “Never.”

“Then how come you were always so… how come you always gave me the cold shoulder?” You traced patterns into his thigh as you said this, and Ignis struggled to focus on your words more than the tantalizing feel of your touch. “I mean, I always knew your duty was to Noct, and I was never jealous about that or anything, but…” Another sigh. “Why is it that you were never really friendly with me? And why… why were you so adamant about shutting me down when I confessed to you that night?”

There it was. The hurdle Ignis had to face if he wanted to garner your forgiveness.

“Truth be told, Princess, I was young and naive, and I simply did not know how to handle two Nocts at once.”

“Hey! I object!” you exclaimed. It wasn’t long before your protests fell into a brief wave of giggles. “Yeah, we were a handful together, weren’t we?”

“I wasn’t always as wise as you thought me to be.”

“Still, you were pretty mature for your age. I always admired you for that.”

Ignis felt himself blush at your praise. “As for that night…” He took a deep breath before turning to you. With his lack of vision, Ignis tried to keep his gaze trained towards what he surmised were your eyes. “I… I was afraid, to be frank.”

“Afraid?”

“The very idea of having a member of the royal family hold a great deal of intimate fondness for me in such a manner was terrifying. I did not consider it to be appropriate for me to pursue any inklings of romance with you, especially with my obligations to Noct.”

It took you a few moments to process what he said. “I see.”

“Unfortunately, I was much too brash in my dismissal of your feelings. I was blinded by fear to even consider a possibility with you. You may think me mature, but at the time, I was anything but. I was frightened by the prospect of having to entertain my already conflicting feelings for you.”

Ignis’ voice began to falter, but he continued nevertheless. “Since then, I have lived in regret over my actions. If I had opted to voice my thoughts better, then perhaps we could have…” He shakily reached out for your face, surprised to feel wetness seeping into his gloves. “I am truly sorry. Please, please don’t cry, Princess.”

“S-sorry.” You hastily wiped away your tears, only for Ignis to beat you to it. Instead, you clung onto his hands, which cupped your face in a tender hold. “Sorry, hah. I guess I’m still an emotional mess, huh?”

“There is no need for apologies, Princess. You are sublime just the way you are.”

“Ignis, I…” Your grip tightened around his hands. “I still love you. I love you, Ignis. I love you.” You couldn’t help but cry now, the sound of your wails tearing into Ignis’ heart. “I-I’m-I’m sorry, you don’t have to reciprocate or anything. I just… I just wanted you to know that I never stopped. I never stopped loving you, Ignis.”

How? How had you remained so unwavering in your devotion to him even after he had hurt you so? He didn’t deserve you.

The look of sadness on Ignis’ face made your chest tighten painfully. “I don’t deserve to be loved. Not by you. Never by you.”

“Ignis, no-“

“You deserve everything, Princess,” he said brokenly. “I can’t give you anything. Not anymore.”

“Ignis,” you interjected, “I know you’re blind, but don’t you see? You are my everything. You always have been.”

Ever so gently, you pressed your lips to his, finally breaking through the last of the walls around his heart. To your utmost joy, Ignis gave in and matched your passion.

Propriety be damned, he at least deserved this one thing, didn’t he? His entire life had been dedicated to Noctis and the royal family. For once — just this once — he could let his guard down, could he not? Did he not deserve his own piece of joy as well?

Surely he was allowed to find a happily ever after with you, right?

Fervently, Ignis melted into your kiss, expressing all the dormant feelings he had suppressed over the years.

With his lips merely a whisper away, you murmured, “Will you say it, Ignis? Do you love me?”

“Always. Forever.” His lips sought yours in a frantic dance. “I love you.”

*

Noctis wanted to say he was surprised when he found you and Ignis, many years later, sporting matching bands on your left ring fingers. However, he knew such a union had been a long time coming, even before he was absorbed into the crystal.

“About time, Specs,” the prince — now king — said. He turned to you, gaze turning just a touch softer. “Your womanly charms worked, eh?”

“At least I made it down the aisle,” you quipped, though your damp eyes were evident even in the darkness. “You just dozed off, like I knew you would. You always were one to oversleep, Sleepy Boy.”

“Hey, I’m back now, aren’t I?”

“Better late than never, I suppose,” Ignis remarked with a small smile. “Good to have you back, Noct.”

“Good to be back. Did the princess behave while I was gone, Iggy?”

Your laugh was watery. “Are you forgetting that I’m older than you?”

“It’s only by a year, (Name).”

“That still means she has 365 days over you, buddy,” Prompto teased. “You’ve been gone so long that she’s eons ahead of you now.”

“You’re making it sound like (Name)’s an old granny,” Gladio said, giving Prompto a light punch on the shoulder.

“I will be in no time!” you joked. “Having Noct as family really ages you prematurely.”

“Tell me about it,” Ignis added, joining in on the banter.

“How’d you do it, Iggy?” Prompto asked, the air surrounding Hammerhead feeling lighthearted for once thanks to the return of Noctis. “How’d you survive looking after these two all this time and lived to tell the tale?”

Ignis’ gaze turned much warmer as he glanced in your direction. “Unwavering perseverance is a must in this job, Prompto. I’m only fortunate enough to have learned from the best.”

He might not have seen it, but Ignis could feel just how brilliant your smile was at that moment.

A smile that was reserved just for him. All for him.

[stylesrecord]

glad your doing alright 💕and thank you for allowing me to rant a little. i just feel really lonely rn :( and my grades in this one class are slipping and im so incredibly stressed out by it. i dont know whats wrong with me, these last two tests ive done horribly but they weren't even that difficult. i just made silly mistakes and now my grade is ruined but im so exhausted. im trying to stay calm but i just feel so useless like i cant even do the most basic of things. (part 1)

Anonymous said: (part2) i wish i didnt place all my worth on how well i do in school but i literally dont know how to not do that. i just feel so incredibly stupid and honestly idk what do anymore. sometimes i wish i could be someone who didn't care about school but im like the complete opposite...which sucks big time. so yeah. im really sorry to dump this on you i just have no one to talk to :(

heyyyy do not apologize to me! i said it was okay to share and i’m always here to chat. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, don’t blame yourself or be hard on yourself. school is incredibly hard right now for all students and remembering that others are struggling as well can bring a lot of sense of comfort + a reminder you aren’t alone in this feeling. you’re rightfully exhausted—not only is there a mental toll that comes with school, but there’s a pandemic and other anxieties that snowball together. learning to be lenient with ourselves and try our best to understand things are out of our control sometimes no matter how hard we push and push is a slow journey, yet one we have to actively work towards and reminding our brains exactly that. as i always say, as long as your day is going or your semester is going, good or bad, it’s still going and so are you and that’s something you should be proud of. you aren’t useless and from what i’m getting, you care so much for your grades and you’re doing your absolute best—i wouldn’t consider that useless at all because you’re devoting your time and energy into something that is important to you.

in regard to placing your worth entirely on your academic success, i totally get it. it’s something hard to unlearn and i cannot count the amount of times people have told me i shouldn’t do that and i’m much more than my grades. my only advice is questioning why you’re concerned so deeply for school—i think understanding ourselves this way is so incredibly vital to progressing past the negative feelings we have when we think we’re failing, when we’re not. i can only say so much to change your mind, but i don’t think you’re stupid and i have a lot of faith in you.

you deserve a break, even setting aside the smallest amount of time is important to prevent further exhaustion and the disappointment felt since with a clear mind we can see/think in a different way that’s beneficial to us.

as a tip to calm yourself down, breathing exercises or evaluating points in your body to see where you feel tense and relaxing those points. i find often i forget i’m a person outside of college or just a person in general, so doing these remind me i’m much more than what my mindset is stuck in.

[ais-n]

Creator 2017 Tag Meme

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you’ve created this year (fics, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works. <3

No one tagged me, I just need some positivity after the shitshow of 2017. Although, because 2017 sucked so much for me, I actually might not even be able to do 5 works... If you look through my tumblr archive, I had so much less than normal that year.

But here’s to trying! :D Below are in no particular order. Sorry for the long post.

1. Have I the honor, milady?

I got excited in September because I started my patreon and I wanted ideas for things to draw. I asked on tumblr for people to suggest the funniest outfits for Boyd and Hsin from ICoS to wear for Halloween and there were some great responses lol One of them was for Hsin to be a princess, at which point I drew first the sketch version below and later made it into my typical Ais’ Terrible Art via Paint comic. Original post here.

This continues to be one of the silliest and stupidest things I’ve ever drawn, and yet it makes me laugh every time I look at it XD So it’s definitely a 2017 fav for me lol

2. Reciprocal: Reina’s Story

In case you didn’t know, in October I started what is meant to be a serial series called Reciprocal. I released the first story already on my Patreon - you don’t need to be a patron to read it (in other words, it’s 100% free for everyone to read, it’s just where I posted it). Read it here.

I wanted to write a story that has a bit of a supernatural twist to it, but that let me also touch on mental illness, and focus a lot of LGBTQIA+ stuff. I also wanted to set it in a seemingly super mundane, real world setting. I’m actually really excited about the serial itself, and plan to submit a future story of it to a magazine some friends are doing. I’ve started 2 more stories in this universe but haven’t had the chance to finish them yet. One of my goals for this serial was to really try to chill out on word count per part, and try to keep it 5,000-10,000 words per story. This is exceedingly difficult for me to do and I’m pretty sure I failed in the first installment but here’s to hoping for future ones lol

(Read all of Reciprocal #1 for free at my patreon, in case you missed the link above)

3. Incarnations

I am by far most proud of Incarnations. If you didn’t know, this is a book I worked on (on and off) for about 20 years. I finally finished writing the first draft of it in October 2016, then tried to edit it in 2017. I got some great feedback that will require some major rewrites, which was delayed by several months due to my bout of extreme depression this past Fall. But I did get some chapters out already on Patreon, and more will definitely be to come.

Incarnations is an LGBTQIA+ fantasy/sci-fi book which is the start of a series called Wildwood Rising. It’s sort of a police procedural, sort of a murder mystery, and sort of a typical fantasy story. What’s it about? Well..

It started with one body, and soon became four.

No connection except unknown magic stopping the decay. An ancient sentient language appears near the latest corpse.

Vikenti’s the magical cop assigned this case. Experts are baffled and he’s impatient. He wants this case solved, because it’s starting to seem a serial killer is targeting the community.

He isn’t the only one having problems.

Sloane wants answers for the nightmare that turned her into an outcast in her own home. Fawkes and Corrin need to know who they are. Keiran wants clarity. Besin craves history. Ven and Enria lost their family. Jade wants justice. Harper wants to forget. Twins Cypress and Hunter are on the run from everyone just for being born.

Everyone has a story.

Everyone has a past.

Everyone has darkness that can find them, and everyone will learn more than they expected about themselves, the world, and life.

It started with one body, but the story that body tells is so much more than a simple murder.

-Incarnations by Ais

patreon.com/ais

btw many of the characters are LGBTQIA+ in some form and/or people of color.

Here’s the beginning of it:

(read more Incarnations here)

4. Queenie

I really like to draw but mostly suck at it (hence Ais’ Terrible Art). Still, it doesn’t affect how fun it is for me to draw random shit. I’d been seeing on youtube that people are doing this “one marker challenge” thing where you get one marker and try to do a whole piece of art using just that one marker. I thought it would be fun to do but decided to start slow, by using a set of “dual tip skin tone markers” I got at Barnes & Noble randomly. They’re alcohol -based markers, the first time I’ve ever used those. 

I sat down to draw and didn’t really have a plan at all for what I’d do (I would have done some things differently if I had planned with pencil or anything instead of going straight in with sharpie like I did). I ended up with a girl I call Queenie. She isn’t the best piece of art I’ve ever done but I really like something about her, I think particularly her eyes. She makes me happy when I look at her so that’s why I’m including her in this 2017 recap. And because she’s my first alcohol-based marker piece of art.

I used 6 markers and 2 sharpies altogether on her.

5. A strange discovery in Irridian library

In all honesty, this wouldn’t hit my top 2017 moments if I actually had more options, but I’m super limited because 2017 was horrendous for my creative energy. Not that this sucks by any means, this thing amuses me, but I’m sure I’ve written better stuff in my life.

Anyway I thought it would be really funny to write a fake newspaper article set in the Incarnations world, about one of the main characters (Besin, he shows up in the first chapter and is Head Librarian). I thought it would be funny to show petty local urban politics in a fantasy world setting. So this was a whole article written by this woman Ghieta from Seiyunne Circle (the main newspaper in the largest Magetown on Ariwyn), basically all about being salty about Besin being way too devoted to his job as a librarian. XD idk I just thought the topic was absurd enough that it would make me laugh.

Read the whole article here. Preview below:

(read the rest here)

One of the things that I’m really looking forward to with Incarnations and Wildwood Rising is the whole thing is my world/etc. Which means I can do all the stupid random shit I want for extras without having to ask another poor soul to randomly go in on silly little stories whenever I feel like it (like I had to whenever I collaborated with others on writing). If you get into Incarnations, look forward to a loooooot of random shit in the future because it’s so fun to do XD

Honorable mention

by the way, honorable mention is a woman I just drew after being inspired by Queenie to the point that I bought some Prismacolor alcohol-based markers to try doing art only in color (no black lines etc). I would have added her to the list but she’s technically my first drawing of 2018. Still, I really like how her eye turned out so you get to see her below anyway.

I still need more shades in between though - couldn’t get enough blending on the shadows as you can see below. Also I fucked up her right eye’s eyelashes but oh well, I like her left eye enough I don’t mind the right being fucked.

TAGGING: I don’t know who to tag because I’ve been so inconsistent on tumblr lately so idk who even is into tags lately. So here’s the thing - I want to see everyone do this! If you don’t have anyone to tag you, say I tagged you and do this! Let’s get all the cool creativity out there, friends! :D

[lollytea]

I have a three hour class coming up, so naturally, I need to give you something that will take you three hours to write to make it fair. Gimme all of them for either Satin Diamond or Jazzle, your choice.

Idk enough about Puzzle to do ALL of these about Jazzle so I went with the sparkles.

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?

Now I’ve said that Guy is a HUUUUUGE impulse buyer who would probably throw money at whatever remotely reminded him of Satin. But I also imagine Satin as the type to spend MORE on stuff for Guy.

Just because while he’ll buy anything that holds his attention long enough, she’s more focused on the quality. If it’s expensive, its good. All shit that goes on her boy gotta be designer and she is hellbent on dressin him pretty.

So Satin. Its Satin.

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?

Guy. Whenever he has a tight schedule, he’s either working or napping cuz damn son hes exhausted. But the thing is, that leaves him with very little time to spend with Satin. So sleeping in her lap is the best he can get.

Meanwhile, my girl has a way better sleep endurance than he does. She can pull off an all-nighter and still seem perfectly composed the next day. Satin’s fuckin incredible.

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes?

who tf u think

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?

Guy is often begging Satin to get some sleep. But listen, if she’s in the zone, you cant stop her. Yes, Guy, she’s aware its 2am.

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies?

Neither Satin or Chenille have much experience in cooking. They were pretty spoiled and never had to lift a finger in any kind of housework during their childhood and teenage life. Both of them have had to learn since they moved out but they gotta stick to the basic stuff.

Bless her, Satin’s heart was definitely in the right place. But what she tried to cook was gourmet which she sure as hell was not ready for yet.

Guy’s childhood ran more on a chore wheel kinda thing. He and his siblings had to take turns cooking dinner each week so like he’s a lot more acquainted with it. But is he proud of Satin’s obvious efforts, that’s his girl! You did amazing for your first try!

Tbh he probably tries to eat some of it just to be like “Nonono its fine, we can totally eat this for di-” *Chokes and has to spit it out* “Yeah ok imma make some cookies. You did a good job tho I love you”

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?

At a petstore, Guy points at two lizards lying on top of eachother “That one’s me and that one’s you.”

“There’s a fine selection of squeaky toys over here and I'm going to pick one just to whack you with.”

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes?

I mean Guy wears the clothes Satin MAKES so

I'm sure he’s tried on her actual clothes a couple times tho

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”

Satin: “Okay okay, so it was a good day. A really good day. A productive day. Bought the groceries for dinner tonight, made the phone calls, picked up the dry-cleaning, went to the post office, got the car fixed, vacuumed the living room-”

Guy: “Aww baby, that’s great. Hey, where’s Jade?”

Satin: “Where’s who now?”

Guy: “Our 2 year old son? You-you picked him up from day-care, right?”

*Sounds of Satin grabbing her keys and tripping out the front door*

Guy: “.....was that a yes orrrr?”

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?

Guy cant read maps so he drives. Also if they have a kid (or theyre babysitting the other kids) Satin’s better at telling them to behave so its better if she’s not behind the wheel.

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws?

Guy poses, Satin draws. Its like part of their whole model/designer dynamic. Duh

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips?

Guy backflips, Satin has chips

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking?

After the first article of clothing is removed, Satin is forced to confiscate Guy’s glass.

“Sweetheart, listen. We cant afford to do this again. We cant go back to jail.”

13: Which one likes to surprise the other with a lot of small random gifts?

They both do ofc

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own?

Satin did when she was really little but Guy hadn't the foggiest clue why she kept doing in. He just piped up with “That's not your last name, it’s mine, silly!” Then proceeded to tell her what her last name was in case she forgot.

She did start calling herself Satin Diamond a few years before they got married. Like it wasn't his real last name so it didn’t matter much. Plus it sounded classy as hell. You wouldn't wanna fuck with a lady called Satin Diamond.

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside?

Neither of them are huge fans of spiders but as Guy always had to suck it up and take spiders out for his little sister’s sake, he’s a lot more equipped to dealing with it.

16: Which one gives the other their jacket?

Satin often doesn't wear jackets so if she cold, Guy’s on that shit in an instant

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling?

They both got a pretty good relationship with eachothers siblings. Guy’s brothers are all lovable nerds in their heart so they adopt Satin immediately

Meanwhile Chenille is like a sister to Guy so like she knows he’ll cherish Satin with all his heart but like. Like a sister. Tell me Chenille hasn't blown her top several time cuz her annoying little brother/her sister’s boyfriend is being a shit again

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other?

Guy probably. Their relationship kinda develops from friends to occasional flirting to more recurring flirting to constant flirting and like Guy is almost CERTAIN they’re on the same page. Orrrrr flirty might just be a budding aspect of Satin’s personality because hey, it does suit her very well.

Eventually he just gets confused and impatient and blurts out like “HEY ARE WE DOING WHAT WE’RE THINK WE’RE DOING CUZ I LIKE YOU A LOT AND-”

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting?

Pretty good, considering they weren’t really ready to be parents. The whole nine months was like last minute cramming for a test. They read so many baby books my fuckin god.

But no Satin’s a natural mom. Not as high energy as Poppy and a lot more subdued but still very caring and considerate. She’s calm and logical when helping her kid deal with problems and makes sure he always feel comfortable when talking to her. Jade is REALLY close with his momma.

Also if he gets caught sneaking out at night, he’s shish kabob. But he respects and understands that. His mom is the best person in the world. He just wouldn't dare fuck with her

Guy is also a very devoted father and tends to act as the sillier parent. His relationship with kid can be best described as “Lovingly argumentative.” But no matter, how much he makes fun of his Dad, Jade is probably his biggest fan. He knows the man’s complete filmography by heart and aspires to be an actor too. (Jade cant act for shit but ssssh he’ll change his career choice when he’s older)

But yeah, Guy spent years as his acting coach and tried so hard too because he personally believed his boy could do anything. Turns out he couldn't but ehhh, its the thought that counts. Guy loves Jade to bits and vice versa.

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters?

Neither of them use perfect grammar but Satin is most definitely the number thing. Guy is not.

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them?

I dunno if either of them are the type to get bullied. At least in the case of Satin, she just doesn't take crap. But I guess in the case of Guy, who’s just so unashamedly himself, he might piss off a few other kids with that toxic masculinity mind-set. It probably doesn't happen often but if it ever did, Satin would bite their heads off. She aint here for this bullshit.

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun?

Guy: *puns*

Satin: “You’re doing amazing sweetie” (I imagine death so much, it feels like a memory.)

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy?

Hear me out. Guy is the impulse buyer, which is why it shocks everyone when Satin is the one to buy the puppy. She was going through an emotional week ok?? Leave her alone

Guy actually has to be the voice of reason here because babe do we have time for a dog idk if we can do this

They end up keeping it and tbh they are TOTALLY the type of people to call themselves the dog’s mommy and daddy. They’re those people fite me

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired?

Satin doesn't get tired easily but she wears pinchy shoes a lot so Guy gives piggybacks when she needs it

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering?

I need to tattoo “Guy is Satin’s biggest fan” to my gotdamn forehead

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder?

Satin. Guy hates candid photos so fuckin much so like nobody has any pictures of him laughing or sleeping or just walking around with no makeup on.

Except for Satin. Satin has like a billion. Guy just doesn't know about them cuz she knows he’d make her delete them.

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked?

I mean Satin DID give Guy a makeover when he asked. You don't think the legendary Guy Diamond look was a one man job, do you? Nah, the twins helped create the icon.

Hell, his first experience with makeup was Satin hiding him the girls bathroom stall when they were like 12 and covering up the acne on his chin after she caught him getting upset over it.

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of?

Look if Satin ever gets a snake, Guy aint gonna be pleased

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains?

Okay but listen to me. Guy makes a big deal every time his hair gets wet. He hates rain. He hates it so fuckin much.

One time when they were teenagers, they agreed to meet at the other end of town to see a movie. Ofc theres a downpour and Guy’s standing with his umbrella at the bustop, waiting for Satin’s bus to show up. But once she steps out, she looks frazzled af, clearly having not expected the rain.

So its been a long day and Satin is pacing back and forth, unintentionally splashing puddled as she rambles about an unfair detention she received, about Chenille stealing her hairdryer, about her homework not making any sense.

The rain suddenly stops pelting her head and a shadow falls over her frame. She turns around to find him with his arm outstretched and his umbrella looming over her.

Guy blinks, confused as she stares at him in shock, his hair a soaking mess. “What?

And Satin is just internally “Imma marry him. I stg imma marry this loser.”

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures?

Wherever there’s city lights and rooftop penthouses. Theatres, restaurants and glitzy ballrooms. They live for the night glow. Tbh take them to Paris. Let them dance under the Eiffel Tower at midnight. Tell me that isn't the pinnacle of romanticism.

Also Satin takes the pictures. She’s the better photographer between them. Guy gets too eager and so many of his pics are fuzzy

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 11: “I Can Either Have Fun and Lose or be boring and lose” - MJ

guess i got stoned

I know I haven't made a confessional is what's probably around two weeks, but there are some things you just don't want to remember and shouldn't bother saying in this heat of the moment so from tomorrow on, we're starting fresh. Or as fresh as you can be when you're 10 feet into a giant hole you dug yourself. 

Dang – my first vote against in the entire game so far, and it was more of the "You rock but I have to vote SOMEONE" variety. Seems like I always get those. Or the avalanche of blindside votes. Not much in between.

Anyway, despite being generally pretty messy as far as tribal councils go, both of mine went as planned/expected. I'd have really liked to save Matt if I could, but MJ was being overbearingly pushy on saving Jake and nobody seemed intent on upsetting the apple cart. Not much you can do when nobody else will follow. Wes and I were pretty much on an island and, with tribe sizes still being this big, it didn't make sense to fracture the tribe. Not when there are still reasonable targets before myself.

Caspian, though, came as a surprise. Wow. Owen was saved from being double-clocked and Logan (!!!) lost a life. Unexpected as hell. But they don't seem too torn up about it, which is excellent. Doubly so because it's the music video challenge.

So why am I in a good spot on this one? Well, for one, I'm pretty good at editing video. For two, I've got Jack/Steffen on Andaman and Logan/Jake/Ruthie on Kabru who can devote all their energy to the one tribe. I can imagine having too many people spread too thin could be an issue, so I'm glad we have a good balance.

Now, why am I in a bad spot? I worry I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I'm responsible for editing two videos and filming myself lip-syncing to them, too. That could be an issue. I really can't procrastinate on it. I'm at work til 4, so I'm spending my day with Victorious (our shape-inspired tune) and The Galaxy is Ours (space, whaddup!) on loop. Hopefully I'll know the lyrics by tonight. And in the meantime I've also started gathering some stock video footage that I think could look badass in the right circumstances.

On the Kabru side, Logan (all-star that they are) has already sent their video my way, and it's absolutely awesome. After the HvV2 video, I'm totally not surprised. They go all out on these comps, and there are probably a very usable 2:15 out of the 3:00 video. If everyone on both my tribes approaches the video with this kind of enthusiasm and commitment, I have a hard time seeing either one lose.

Nobody has yet sent in on Andaman, but it's still super early. Lydia and Jack both sent pictures of their makeup last night (Jack in Skype, Lydia via Snapchat) and they both also knocked it out of the park. Steffen said he'd get on it after class, and I suspect Kait will follow suit. But I know she's also filming two videos so I don't want her getting overwhelmed, either.

As far as my videos, I've got a fairly basic idea for the space video. I might even be able to do a Bowie homage with a red lightning bolt on my face while air-playing my guitar?? Idea just came to me, but it could work. I'd need to do that video after my Kabru video though, otherwise the makeup might leave a mark that I can't immediately get off. I also had an idea involving a lightbulb, but I'll keep that one under wraps for now. Much more fun to see the end result.

As far as the Victorious vid goes... gosh, I really don't know. High energy, high impact, lots of aggression is the guidelines we set for ourselves. I've got some workout gear in the basement – maybe a high-intensity type workout vid? Getting in shape fits the theme too, right? Just spitballing at this point. I won't even be able to put much work in until after work, so I'll be caught up in my head in the meantime.

But.... AAAAGH, I love these comps. Forcing the creative side out usually ends pretty well, especially when others are around to do some of the heavy lifting. Steffen was great in offering ideas last night for the music video. We didn't end up using them because they just didn't fit QUITE right... but it's not an easy thing to be willing to throw out ideas like he did. He's down on himself for not being able to contribute much, but from my perspective he was the only one trying to provide concrete ideas. That gets him some brownie points in my eyes. Four brownie points, to be exact. Four for you, Steffen Coco. You go, Steffen Coco.

Okay, I'm brain-spewing all over the confessional page again. I'mma wrap this up. But I'm ridiculously excited to see what we can come up with here.

Phew. Everyone has been killing it today. Since the last confessional, we got stuff from Kait, Lydia and Jack on the Andaman side, with myself and Steffen still to go. On the Kabru side... less content. But Logan's still a star, and they sent me the intro that's going to kick so much ass paired with the video.

I'm in the hero or goat position right now on both tribes, I think. Andaman has been absolutely crushing it. The only way I see us losing is if I don't pull through on this video. And to do that, we still need a few shots that I'm planning on doing. But I've already gone through the content I've got and made notes on where the best segments are. Should speed my job up tonight a little bit.

As for NuNuKabru (which, it just occurred to me, has the same syllables and cadence as goo goo g'joob) I'm not exceptionally worried. It would be nice to have video from others, but I think Logan and myself alone could make a great video if we have to. Everything else is just a bonus. And fortunately, I know Ruthie's planning on sending something. Pretty sure Jakey is, too. The more, the merrier, and the better content we'll have to make a video we can be proud of.

The music video is horrible and I will never forgive myself if we lose this challenge. THIS IS MY CHALLENGE I HATE IT. Thank god I took over the album creation because my tribe would have been toast.

ummmmm so MJ and Logan went to rocks for me which I'm really grateful for. I know Ryan and Ari and Jenna all really love them and say they're an ANGEL CHILD and I was always like "ya logan is rlly nice" but now like NOW. NOW. NOW THAT LOGAN AND I HAVE TALKED MORE AND LIKE..... THEY DID THAT FOR ME JUST. WOW. I love them so much and I understand why they are so well-liked, because they really did do that selflessly for me and I dfskajhksdj oh wow. MJ idk about. Apparently he had to "flip a coin" in order to decide. And like... He went and told Kait that Jenn had told me that Kait wanted me out, but Jenn thought that I had told Kait and was like "I'm sorry but I can't switch my vote, I don't know what you told Kait but I'm done" or something along those lines and I.... whew. So MJ like.... I don't get it. He could've flipped on me, in which case yeah.... I would've revealed everything he had told me. I have it all written down, and if he crosses me somehow, then without a doubt I'm blowing up the things he said. 

At this point, I need to give up any inkling of confidence or control I might have had some point earlier in this game (which honestly was never that much). Now, it's all about survival. I am literally hanging on like.... by my teeth or whatever the phrase is. I'm terrified. If we lose this immunity (which by the way fuck all of you for making us do this when I had strep and also when I'm on a tribe that needs to win and is dysfunctional af), then I could very well be screwed because Logan drew the rock and Steven, Jenn, and Jimmy all just voted on the same side...twice.

I've been working on building a relationship with Steven. I do genuinely like talking with him, and if anyone is gonna maybe flip to help me, it COULD be him... Especially if Steffen talks to him about the whole Kait/Jenn/Jimmy thing. But idk

MY LAST CONFESSIONAL SUBMITTED WIHTOUT ME BEING DONE SORRY

anyways... STeven. Idk why he'd go against people who just went to rocks for him. And then... Maybe I could try to turn the three of them AGAINST MJ, but I seriously doubt it. And if MJ is INTENDING to stay loyal to me, then I could end up burning the one connection I have.

And theeeen there's Jenn. Idk if there was ever any hope of her switching her vote last time. Maybe she never planned on it. But we talked for nearly an hour before she thought I told Kait something.

I waited a couple of days before talking to her again, and I just kind of told her that I didn't want to ruin anything personal between her and Kait or her and I. I still like both Kait and Jenn as people, and I don't want there to be any hard feelings about anything that happens in the game. That has always been my philosophy. I'm a little bit hurt that Kait completely lied to me for honestly no reason... She didn't HAVE to come to me and say she was "so upset" like.... If she wanted me to be dead meat, and I'm already not on a tribe with her, and she ISN'T talking to me now, why did she have to be fake in the first place? Idk. I guess I'll find out after the season ends. I won't hold a grudge over it though, I'm sure she thought she had to or something. oh well :~) All it did was take the very little trust I had left in her after the not voting Jimmy and not submitting her immunity thing and...completely destroy it!!! Whew. Like I am justified now in any action I can possibly make against her (not like that time will ever come).

I don't know if I could reach out to Jenn if we end up going to tribal. Regardless, I may have options. Very few options, but options nonetheless.

I mentioned in a prior confessional that I wanted to see the Malaysia trio CHOKE kfdshfdj in the game, and yeah... That's still true. I don't want any of them to make it far at this point (if they do, good on them). But I want to make myself very clear in saying that that is on a game level only. Personally, I enjoy all three of them, and I think they're great people, and I don't wish them any harm. But they've all wronged me in this game way more than I've wronged them. If I can get one of them to trust me again, that could be ideal (like Jenn...) but unfortunately, it seems hella impossible.

Please let us somehow, by some miracle, win immunity. I will praise the all star gods that be if I can just get SOME SORT of break here. I NEED it.

im getting a really awkward vibe from people on kabru.

at least im safe on andaman i guess, but im so paranoid that even pat bit my head off so! who knows i might be going but i just gotta hope.

im willing to flip the game, if other people are.

i cant believe challenge results ruined my entire day. time to die.

Steven said he'd talk to me tomorrow which is good. The problem is like... MJ has hardly talked to me since the vote tied initially. I don't get it. He went to rocks for me and like legitimately risked his alliance with Kait and Jenn in order to protect me and....idk. He HAS been going back to school though, so I don't blame him and idk. He's probably as tired of this as we ALL ARE.

If MJ sticks with me and I can somehow flip Steven, that'll be good.

Otherwise... I go to Jenn. And try my damnedest. 

jessy, i said id work with jake. lets see if this works.

if me, ruthie, and mj vote together we can take control of this tribe? but idk about mj. mj's insane and is playing a gr8 game everyone loves him. but. lets hope he tries to mix SOMETHING up.

Well, one out of two ain't bad. 

I feel pretty bad about the terrible video quality on the Kabru video. With more time, I could have salvaged it. But we were pressed right up against the time limit. I got the video in with one minute to spare. Remind me never to sign up to edit two videos again.

I'm glad we killed on Andaman, though. Everyone kicked ass (except Carson, who did nothing because it "wasn't a good time for him." Sorry, dude, but we're all busy.) I feel like Andaman would've been an easy vote for that reason, but I'm glad we didn't need to go there. I'm especially impressed with Jack for the booklet and the trading cards. He went to infinity and beyond. (See what I did there?!) But everyone who participated really carried their weight, and that was a hard-earned win.

On Kabru, I take a lot of responsibility for the way that went. My video was not the best quality, and it was hard to edit a cohesive video with such mediocre content from myself. Ruthie had some usable clips that improved the video, and Logan, as mentioned in my previous confessionals, thoroughly killed it. IMO, they carried a lot of that video.

Where we lost the points was adherence to the theme, which... ehh. I thought we did a good job of outside the box thinking, but I guess the judges disagreed. C'est la vie. (Oh, and @Jenn Tramkellan @Justin, YOU try memorizing lyrics to two completely new songs in less than a day!!!)

Anyway, I think Jenn's comments about this tribe being full of clowns isn't entirely wrong. It would've been so much better to have more people contributing to the video. Out of seven people, we had three contribute to arguably the most visible part. Credit to MJ and Wes, the cover art was beautiful and the execution was fantastic. But some more support from a video perspective would've been appreciated. I was expecting more footage than we got, and had to use a lot of stock footage as a result. Had I known what we were getting, I might've tried to incorporate more.

Anyway, no sense looking in the past. This tribal is looking more or less straightforward. I think most of us are on board with taking out someone who didn't contribute on this challenge. MJ might object on this tribe, given his links to Carson and Jake, but I'm not playing MJ's game. I'm playing my own.

He's probably going to target Ruthie, but I'm not writing her name down this round. For one, she's taken enough hits recently, and two, she was a key contributor to the video. 

With a merge incoming, the thought of taking out a competitor is crossing my mind. I haven't made it a secret that I want Jake out, and this round is no different... but a part of me would feel bad taking him out now, given his circumstances. I hope his friend gets better. 

It sounds like Carson might have stuff going on in his life, too? But literally the only thing he said was "I'm so sorry for not helping that much but this is just not a challenge good for me at this time". And... it wasn't exactly a great time for me to put in five straight hours of recording and editing, either. But that's the name of the game, right? 

Anyway, I'm going to push Jake a little bit if the opportunity arises, but I already get the sense that Carson's name will get a lot more traction. And this is prime 'anybody-but-me' territory, especially with a presumed merge looming.

Anyway, this game has gotten past the super stressful portion. I'm doing better than I expected already. Since this round started, I've just been having a ball. This is the most fun I've had in a game since early October when I was still delusionally happy in Crusade.

Yikes I gave up on these. Literally had heart palpitations over the revote and all that jazz and luckily the rock draw worked in my favour but honestly now I'm starting to develop some personal dilemmas. Owen has been talking to me a lot more now and I know it's because we're both on deaths door waiting for someone to take our last lives. Kinda puts me in a predicament though if I were to work with him. I feel I may have revealed too much so he may #expose me but meh tbh LOL. He has good motives tbh. He brought up about us outsiders trying to band together if we can all survive....which all tea all shade I really want to do, especially with my tea time queens Ruthie & Steffen if they make it. I'm not sure what tribe Ruthie is even on though so if they were to boot her and I made a move I'd be down one. However Lydia has told me she feels kinda lost in her group, obviously. Only thing is every time she talks to me she disappears after 2 messages like hun. I need a convo not a passing hi. Anyways I know she likes Owen cuz of things and I know we have our past experience together, both good and bad but we could work something. I just feel with every group I go to I'd be thrust to the bottom. I think the Malaysia 3 want me as a number should a splinter in the two lifer group happen, which it will have to eventually. I just don't know what to do. It would really hurt my personal character to boot Jenn or Jimmy. I would vote MJ, if Owen would to survive. However that means flipping the Malaysia pair which may not happen because they probably don't want so many people left with 1 life b/c of them. I need to be careful not to put my eggs in too many baskets because knowing my luck a fucking elephant would stop over all of them. 

mmmmmmmmmmmm im trying to be quiet this round idk. just hoping for the best for tribal tonight. not much has really been happening on my end bc ive been busy, but yesterday i mostly just tried to do some light damage control w the malaysia ppl.

im the only person going to both tribals this round which makes me v nervous. jake is getting targeted on our tribe and the only way i can save him is if he, ruthie, carson, and i all vote for logan (blindside). which would suck bc i like logan a lot.

the issue w that is that im gonna be alienating pat and wes and theyre really gonna feel like they cant trust me after that if that's what i decide to do. the only like, thing that like...idk. im just thinking like, its still early in the game (f15!), are they really gonna hold a grudge against me for the rest of the game, especially with a merge literally right around the corner? but ugh. its just v messy. i hate being the middle man and having to make decisions like this. i feel like ppl (pat and wes) will be intimidated by me if i go thru with this logan thing. it just really sucks. idk. voting out logan would make kait suspicious of me too its just all a big mess.

i really dont want jake to leave tonight because i think that would be really boring and tbh i dont think he deserves to go pre merge? like he already lost his closest all early in the game like... that sucks. nobody gave him a chance to play and he was just constantly given a bad hand. obvs him blowing up when he got voted out of A didnt help v much but like........ whatever. jake staying in is good for my game. its better for my game than for anyone else's. this is gonna seem v selfish of me but ive played selflessly in all of my other seasons, helping GROUPS of people as well as helping myself, and that's only gotten me the win ONCE. so clearly i need to play it differently here. i should benefit myself more than others.

additionally like.....its already v unlikely ppl will let me get to the end so i might as well try to make this season interesting and keep ppl on their toes so they play harder. i can either have fun and lose or be boring and lose, so obvs im gonna take the fun route at this point.

i need to talk to carson to get him on board with this and hope for the best. jake leaving would be a p bad hit to my game anyways.

I can't wait to be idoled out tonight. Please god, Ryan, Jules, Ari and Jessica make the merge be after this tribal council. I can deal with the disadvantage myself but I'm sick of these tribes. 

AHHHH

stuff is actually happening in this game

im willing to make a move with jake because i feel like im on the bottom and i owe jessy and jake.

however, while jake and co are not certain about if not mj will flip, i think ruthie might flip because shes pretty much saying that she'll flip on jake.

while others might not see ruthie as a threat, like i havent, i definitely see her as one now.

BUT, if we can pull thsi flip off with me mj jake and ruthie, and get out logan, thatll be PERFECT, because something will actually happen in this game. im nto too worried about repercussions because... fuck that. im playing for fun

soooooo I've made a lot of progress with Steven today. He said nobody had really talked to him yet fsdkjdfshj so it's a good thing I did. Last round, Jenn so kindly emphasized to me the fact that she's worried that I'm going to form some sort of super counter-alliance with Steffen, Ruthie, Jake, Lydia, myself, and Steven and some others... Which was not true before. But now? Thanks for the idea, Jenn!!! hehehehehe :~)

I went to Steven and said basically like... There's a big group of people running things, look at who has two lives and at who has one and it's pretty clear. And I appealed to the part of him that has been just trying to survive these last few votes and told him if we joined forces with people like Steffen and Ruthie (who I knew he likes) then we had a chance to be making a change and making moves instead of being used!!!! And he said he agreed :~) He said he was morally concerned bc Jenn and Jimmy went to rocks for him but... I dont' think he'd have any reason to lie to me. And we talked for a loooooong time about all the group dynamics and how something needs to be done. I genuinely like the guy and I think he feels the same about me and if he isn't lying to me then damn I have a CHANCE in this game again.

I told MJ to go and talk to Steven and Steven was gonna talk to MJ and... If they can just decide on a damn name then whew. whew. whew. whew. whew. Pleaseeeeee Lady Gaga and other goddesses above let me have this one more chance. I need to make it a little further. 

I've always talked about how I have a lot to prove and I CANNOT fathom coming in a place that is DOUBLE DIGITS again after FUCKING OLYMPICS. I'm DONE with that! Awful horrible scary time. I need to make the merge at least or jury or something, hot DAMN

I might not be dead yet

coup ko͞o/ noun 1.a sudden, violent, and illegal seizure of power from a government.

Get ready, bitches. A coup is coming.

#SURVIVORNOTFRIENDVIVOR lets get this hashtag trending!  A possible alliance with MJ, Carson and Jakey?  SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!  It sucks because I love Logan and Pat (Wes I could care less about tbh because I feel that he hates me :/)  I'm just ready for big moves and for the game to really start. I have no idea of what we're doing but I'm so ready for this, bring on the fireworks <3

ok but also i'm probably screwed anyways rip

im nervous now bc even if ONE thing goes wrong, this plan is ruined.

if even ONE person rats, this might blow up in my face.

guess thats the problem with big moves, huh? 

we'll see what happens i guess

oh wow im a flop with confessionals huh... anyway just when u think im down and out i keep on kicking! I will not DIE in this game, @jenn remember sarawak?? u should know by now never to count me out!! mj and carson and voting with ruthie and i to blindside.... basically everyone in the game LJFLJKFKLJ. IM LITERALLY SHOOOOOK THAT I GOT CARSON TO DO THIS LIKE I DIDNT THINK HE WOULD... cause hes such a "idw rock the boat D:" type of player. but i literally sucked his ass these past two days to get his vote like im literally exhausted LKJHF.. mj wouldnt go to carson about it so i had to convince carson of it so carson goes to mj and im just shook that happened..

its funny bc logan is mesaging me like "sorry ur going :(" LKJHFLKJHF

me: omg its okay i knew it would happen :( i hope u do well!

KLJFHKLJF GODDDD... sucks bc i like logan WAY more than wes and pat but they have way too many ties and they only have one life left so we need to get them out NOW because if they make it to merge/swap theyre literally SET to WIN this game. no fucking joke. sorry logan if ur seeing this bc you were the nicest to me this whole time on this tribe but i have no other means of survival.

i cant wait for everyone to literally be shook it will truly be something. theres a chance carson is lying to mj/me/ruthie but that would be so stupid of him?? i hope he has enough intelligence to pull this off! i have faith in humanity! yeah, wish pat had one life kljfh

WHY! Why do I get so attached to people? Literally the last few days I've been talking to Owen a lot and I feel he's a strong potential ally but I've had to play fake because despite Owen's suggestions MJ hasn't seemed to bite Owen's idea so I also can't have it even just as an option. Ideally I would like to vote off MJ because out of everyone on this tribe he's extremely connected and he has no relevance to my game, nor me his. It leaves me yet again with a dilemma. I'm half tempted before tribal to send Owen my fake idol which seems kinda legit and say I'd play it on him if he voted MJ. Only thing is I'd have to get Jenn or Jimmy to also switch to MJ and when it's proven the idol is fake by not being played I've pretty much lied to everyone so I'm like? I don't think I could do that much for someone who so staunchly wanted me out only a week ago. It's hard because I like his motives further down the line, and he's also connected to those I'd like to hook in with. I don't know. I know I've had to play the liar tonight and I really don't like it. It's not me and it's not kind. False hope is worse than knowing you're leaving, and boy do I know how it feels. 

Why does everyone I get attached to leave as soon as it happens? If I somehow magically leave tonight then damn, but in all fairness I have no connections anyway? The Malay 3 is a nice group to be attached to, because I know they're carrying me a long, but I don't think people are attuned to the extent we're aligned, or how prepared I would be to chop ties. 

Steven's been quiet for the past hour. I think I'm gonna take that aaaas he's voting me out. So if this is it, peace out, it's been a little bit fun and mostly hell.

History sure does repeat itself, huh! Last TS season I was in: hosted by Ryan, 25 people, small ass tribes, and me getting screwed over by a group who were already friends.

sounds a lot like this game

So hey felicia, AND I HAD TO DEAL WITH RUTHIE THROWING HERSELF UNDER TO, even to the point to save my game in the future which is great, but like that still means I lose an ally, which is annoying, and honestly, had I not been skating by with 1 life, I would've been a lot more aggressive.....or I would've still been crying in a corner, which one is more realistic tbh.

But anyways, we now got a couple of days to do the music industry challenge, which is like the general lip sync comps that I LERV, but with a bunch of this extra shiva, so Im rolling in pain here, but here my team comes in clutch, Pat and Jack win us immunity and I MADE DAY 29 OFFICIALLY, IM AT DAY 100 I CAME AND I DID WHAT I NEEDED TO DO!!!!!!!! But now I need to continue whatever the heck I'm doing and if this is not merge, WHICH WOULD BE EVIL YA BUMS, I will literally die cause this is 10 people left in each game, like what freaking else am I going to be able to do. Especially with freaking someone having an idol, and yes someone (probably Carson) has an idol, cause Owen got the clue from Alex, but someone got it at the volcano which is dumb as heck, or not really dumb but now Im skating on eggshells again cause this aint gucci at all.

So as we won immunity, we got to go to the adventure again, and UNFORTUNATELY, I made Lydia waste 2 of her lives on mercury cause I can't figure that out, but APPARENTLY, I figured out the way to safely get through Jupiter, but I couldn't beat the flash game so now Im sitting here without the ability, so now Im here trying to get Pat to do it too, and turns out THIS FLASHGAME IS HIS JAM, but I'm also sitting here with a Danny Devito picture and a crying Pat and rn this just feels weird.....BUT IM ROLLING WITH IT.

So now Im waiting for tribal to happen, waiting to see what hell is raised and hoping for merge real quick but who even knows at this point, Owen feels dead and Steven ain't telling me anything but Im also here predicting immunity results

On 1/30/17, at 8:54 PM, Steffen Bøhn wrote: > I stay safe in game a On 1/30/17, at 8:54 PM, Steffen Bøhn wrote: > how about you stay safe in game b remember when I quoted the future

that was in a pm with Jimmy

Like back off Raven cause Steffen is in town, *hair flips*, anyways gonna die like a bum, so lets see what the announcement will be tonight.

and that's how owen died

I hope MJ gets blown up somehow. He's playing the best game wihtout a doubt.

I didn't expect it to hurt this much but I think it's because I know if I would've survive this then I could've gone to merge and jury. I would've been okay with just...making it to that point. I'm really upset now though and idk what to do. I'm sure it'll be fine. I just wanted a lot of things very badly and idk anymore kdfsjhdsfkjfhdskj

I'm a little upset with Kait for not ever messaging me at all like....even now? Nothing? Idk. I don't know if I'll feel upset at these people for a long time or what. I think I just need to take some time away.

Thank you hosts for a great game and a great twist. A lot of things didn't go my way and I really really really really wish they would have :(